There’s a shadow side to Monogamy.

For all its good— sense of security, continuity, deep knowing of your partner— there’s a mythos and fairy tale ideal that society encourages us to follow, one which can leave us feeling broken in our relationships, like a record stuck on repeat. We keep trying the same things over and over, and get the same unfulfilling results.

This fantasy of ‘perfect partnership’ foisted upon us has deep roots. But how relevant is it today, when we know that partnerships are not necessarily life-long, or exclusive? How do we undo the patterns of patriarchal approaches to relationships that are so entwined with Monogamy, in order to experience relationships where everyone has equity?

When we experience cheating, a breakup, or the opening of a relationship, a struggle starts between our hearts and minds. That struggle can result in feelings of shame, an experience of being emotionally frozen. You may feel like you can’t respond to things you know you should. It might interrupt your flow of communication, or keep you from feeling like you can freely express yourself. You might even find that you are unconsciously self-sabotaging yourself.

I call this struggle the “Monogamy Hangover”- and in order to reach our full potential in relationships, we need to detox from the mythology that got us into this hangover in the first place. And the good news is, there’s a detox plan you can do!

If you’re in a relationship, starting a relationship, or ending a relationship, you owe it to yourself to check this course out. It opened my eyes to the possibilities, and gave me some valuable insights into my own relationships — to other people, to the planet, and to myself. I’ll be dipping into this material for as long as I’m around.
I would recommend this course to anyone, not just polyamorous-minded people. It teaches so much basic relationship knowledge, basic needs/desire awareness, and overall better understanding of human interaction.
— Anon, Course Student

This course is for you if:

• You feel that your upbringing in patriarchal monogamy is holding you back from having the kind of liberating relationships your heart desires.
• You have felt burned by the fairytale mythology of ‘one true love’ and ‘soul mates’.
• You want to get out of patterns of codependency.
• You have survived an abusive relationship and want to learn trauma-informed approaches to building relationships in the future.
• You want to find your own unique path in consensual non-monogamy.
• You have stayed in a toxic relationship because you didn’t think there was another option.
• You are looking for new tools to practice honest non-monogamy from a more compassionate, trauma-sensitive space.
• You resonate with the works of Brene Brown, Betty Martin, Dr Kim Tallbear, Dr Meg-John Barker, Gabor Mate, and Peter Levine.

The Monogamy Detox supports you by:

• Introducing you to new models for relating and tools for communication.
• Supporting you to create your own unique liberating framework for relationships.
• Teaching you about Trauma-Informed approaches to relationships, with particular focus on open/non-monogamous relationships and Relationship Anarchy.
• Giving you access to direct coaching and feedback specific to your situation.
• Including you in a community of individuals who are also working on their Monogamy Detox.
• Giving you first access to exclusive content from Radical Relationships, including monthly group calls on topics related to the Monogamy Detox.

You get to complete the course at your own pace- once you’ve registered, you can return to the course any time and every time it is offered.

Register once, repeat as and when you need to.

The Monogamy Detox includes:

• Complimentary 30 minute welcome session one-on-one with Mel.
• Live weekly calls for 6 weeks, including breakout discussions, and the opportunity to practice what you’re learning with other students, with video playback available the following day.
• 6 weeks of assignments and reading materials.
• Life-time course materials access.
• Membership in the online Radical Relating community, where you can connect with peers around the world.
• Access to ongoing community events that support you in continuing the work.
• A life-time 15% discount on personal coaching with Mel.

Register once, repeat as and when you need to: you get to take this course at the pace that works for you.

What You’ll Get from this Course:

• You’ll recognise the unhelpful stories (mythology and fantasies) about relationships that are holding you back.
• You’ll learn how to have independence while being in kind, loving relationships.
• You’ll discover how to balance deep emotional relationships alongside social and sexual ones.
• You’ll identify your needs in the four dimensions of intimacy and relationships.
• You’ll define a clear and authentic vision for your entire relationship ecology.
• You’ll begin to feel whole and healthy as an individual, as well as in your relationships.

This course has been life-changing for me. The self-worth and confidence I have gained throughout the six-week course is evident to those around me. I am so happy to know that I will be able to access the tools in the future as I continue my self-discovery and whatever challenges that may bring. This course has helped me to increasingly value myself.

— Carrie S, Course Student

Week One: Love Is A Verb

• Examining Patriarchal Monogamy Culture
• Anatomy of the Monogamy Hangover
• The Relationship Escalator and Redefining Relationship Expectations

Week Two: Radical Relating

• Understanding Relational Ecology
• Somatics and the Importance of Embodied and Trauma-Informed Practices
• Layers of Relating

Week Three: Diving Into Desires

• Landscape Patterns
• The Relationship Sandbox
• Recognising Our Core Needs & Strategies

Week Four: Courageous Relating

• Conflict Intimacy : The Journey of Relational Agreements
• Courageous Conversations
• Cultivating Communities of Relations

Week Five: Sex, Jealousy, and Honoring The Shadow

• Sexual Scripts
• Jealousy and Shadow Emotions
• Expanding Possibilities in the Erotic and Practical

Week Six: Grow What Is Possible

• Visioning your Relationship Ecology
• Transition and Change
• Navigating Complex Dynamics

How Did I Get To Know So Much About This?

I got married when I was 22 because I thought that was what you were supposed to do when you were 22 and in love, and wanting to start a grown-up life.

What I didn’t realise was that I had a pattern for co-dependency that would end up being toxic to our relationship, and I had no idea how to express my needs and desires. Wouldn’t my husband magically know what I needed? Surely if I had to say it outloud that would mean something was wrong between us!

These stories I told myself held us both back, and for many years I felt like I was flying on autopilot.

After two miscarriages, a botched attempt at an open marriage, and an affair, we realised neither of us were happy existing in a relationship that didn’t meet either our needs. Instead of fighting to exist in a state of compromise (you know how that feels, right?), we amicably went our separate ways.

Excitedly, I jumped right into a non-monogamous life, aspiring to be polyamorous (a form of honest non-monogamy that happens with the full knowledge and consent of everyone involved). Early on in my dating experiences, I met someone who I felt was my soul-mate. The connection was intense, and we both felt like we’d known eachother for lifetimes! But, we had totally different lifestyles. Complete opposites. I was vegetarian, he only ate meat; I liked to go to bed early, he stayed up late; he lived in the city, I loved being in the country. Needless to say, that relationship didn’t last long, inspite of the great sexual chemistry (don’t you just hate it when that happens?).

Nursing a broken heart, I found myself feeling lost and uncertain about how to engage in relationships for a while.

The Epiphany

I came to realise that what was holding me back was also holding a lot of other folks back too. It was the mythology I’d been fed since childhood—  not just the ‘one day my Prince will come’ stories—  but all the expectations and stories about what a partner would do for me, and how a successful relationship was defined by social norms. I started to examine my own experiences and how often I’d put aside my own needs and desires while trying to become who I imagined my partner wanted or needed me to be. I began to see that the people I was dating were doing the same with me too!

While I was studying counselling for intimacy and relationships, I noticed that there was plenty of information about codependent dynamics, but very little had been written about why those dynamics were there in the first place. The traditional models of monogamy seemed tailored to lead to codependency, and few alternatives were given.

In my coaching practice, I found that almost all my clients were working with some form of ‘Monogamy Hangover’, a murky cloud hanging above them, filled with unspoken and unconscious expectations, which was holding them back from happy and fulfilled relationships. For the past few years I’ve been refining the tools I use with clients to detox from the Monogamy Hangover, and this course is the result of that work!